Let’s Talk About Sex!

Let’s Talk About It

Let’s talk about sex.

Another one of those “S” words we don’t like talking about but love doing.

Most people I know experienced sex before they even had the language to understand what it was. I know I did. The first time I remember anything was in the fourth grade. And truthfully, I know there were things before the age of five that I can’t fully remember.

And I’ve made peace with that.

Because I’ve heard so many people say, “How can I start my healing journey if I don’t remember?”

And I always say it’s not about remembering, it’s about starting. Starting the conversations about what it is you do want. Because even if you don’t remember everything, your body does. Your patterns do. Your relationships repeat what your mouth won’t say.

There’s a Stranger in My House

It’s not just a song, it’s the truth.

In therapy, I see people in relationships who have never told their partner their truth. Not wanting to be judged and not knowing that telling the truth can actually improve the relationship, because sexual abuse does shape a person.

And a lot of people are laying next to strangers.

I know.

Because I’ve been that stranger.

I never told anyone I dated about my sexual abuse experiences.

We never talked about what we like. We never talked about what we don’t like. We never talked about what shaped us.

But we expect intimacy.

Without truth.

Without conversation.

Without ever being known.

That Moment

I remember when I first started working as a therapist and I had a client talking about her sexual abuse experience as a child with a female cousin and how it changed her. She said she was always a girly girl and after that she became more of a tomboy.

And hearing that, being in that moment, made something click for me.

Because I experienced the exact same thing.

Up until that point, I never wanted to label that experience as sexual abuse.

And after that moment, I encountered numerous women who had similar stories and also did not want to label it as sexual abuse.

We hear “boys will be boys,” but there is also this unspoken normalization when it comes to girls, like it’s just childhood experimenting.

And it’s not.

Because the truth is, it shapes how you show up intimately in your relationships.

Silence

After having so many conversations with people, men and women, what I’ve realized is we stay silent about sexual abuse experiences.

We don’t talk about it at all.

Sometimes people go their entire lives without ever saying it out loud.

I’ve talked to people in their 40s, 50s, 60s, even 70s who have never told anyone about their sexual abuse experience or even their needs.

And for a lot of people, I feel like because I am walking in my truth, I am like a walking truth serum. People just feel comfortable speaking their truth to me, even outside of therapy.

And honestly, it is heavy.

But I can feel the moment it leaves their body.

And I love being able to help people drop the weight they have been carrying.

Performance

Because of the silence we choose to live in, sex becomes a performance.

It becomes like that 3pc album, “first cum, first serve.”

It becomes a competition.

And sex has been a competition for a long time.

Just think about it.

If two people are competing, only one person is satisfied…

and sometimes neither of them are.

I know I saw sex as a competition.

I wanted to be the best.

I thought if he didn’t finish first, I was doing something wrong, even when I wasn’t satisfied.

And that’s what happens when there is no communication, no healing, no honesty.

Sex becomes a performance.

More Than Physical

Sex is not just physical.

It’s mental.

It’s emotional.

It’s spiritual.

But most people only experience a surface version of it.

The physical part.

The visible part.

The part that doesn’t require vulnerability.

Because we avoid the conversations that bring all of us into the room.

We avoid talking about our past.

We avoid talking about what shaped us.

We avoid talking about what we actually need.

So we show up with our body…

but leave our truth behind.

And then we wonder why it doesn’t feel like connection.

Real intimacy is not just access to your body.

It’s access to your truth.

Your thoughts.

Your feelings.

Your experiences.

Your desires.

Your boundaries.

And when those parts of you are missing, it may feel good…

but it won’t feel safe.

and it won’t feel full.

Choosing Me

After I started choosing me and putting myself first, I realized I was sharing my body before I ever learned how to protect it.

Celibacy became part of that journey.

It’s been over two years.

And it was necessary.

I needed to cleanse.

I needed to stop exchanging unhealed energy.

I needed to learn how to honor my body, not just share it.

Because intimacy is not just physical, it is energy.

And every time you connect with someone, you are exchanging something whether you acknowledge it or not.

Let’s Really Talk About It

Since we’re talking about sex, let’s really talk about it.

The conversations that need to be had before sex.

Not after.

Before.

What is intimacy to you?

What do you desire?

What has shaped you sexually?

Are we talking about sexual health?

STDs?

When was the last time you were tested?

Are we talking about boundaries?

Are we talking about what we like and what we don’t like?

Or are we just going off of assumption and attraction?

There are people having sex with no commitment, no conversation, no understanding, just energy exchange.

Then wondering why they feel off after.

Why they feel connected and disconnected at the same time.

Because your body knows.

Even when your mind tries to ignore it.

What It Really Is

Sex is not a competition.

It’s not something to win.

It’s not something to perform.

It’s an experience.

It’s connection.

It’s communication.

It’s being fully seen and fully seeing someone else.

And that only happens when you are honest.

Honest about your past.

Honest about your needs.

Honest about your body.

Because when you heal, you don’t just experience sex differently.

You experience yourself differently.

Ci Notes

Affirmation:

I honor my body, my truth, and my healing.

What conversations do I need to have before I share my body?

What does intimacy look like when I include all of me?

Sex is sacred.

And when you stop performing and start communicating, you don’t just change your sex life…

you change how you experience yourself.